After I get out of bed each morning I put my coffee on and slip into my old blue robe (at the request of my neighbors), I retrieve my paper from the driveway. While eating some microwave 35-second biscuits I proceed to catch up on who got caught and whether the Democrats or the Republicans are telling the biggest lies today. The second thing I check is the obituaries to see if I knew any of the deceased and then I count to see how many of them are younger than me. Next I turn to the comics. I have one or two favorites and after reading them I grumble to myself about the poor quality of the others.

Now I turn to my favorite part of the paper. Having an inquiring mind and constantly studying to improve myself I turn to page 5C where I find Dr. Peter Gott, Dear Abby and Advice by Heloise. Next to the Bible, the advice in these three columns should be enough to guide anyone through life. I usually read Dr. Gott’s medical column first. As he advised, I sleep with a bar of soap in my bed to prevent leg cramps and doggone if I don’t believe it works.

I recently read in his column that a product called Castiva is better for joints than Glucosamine so I bought me some. Castiva is an ointment while Glucosamine is a capsule so I just use them both. My joints still creak though. Castiva has castor oil as one of its ingredients. I have a long and unpleasant history with castor oil. I was past fifty before I could drink orange juice without tasting castor oil. In my youth it was thought that one should be cleaned out once or twice a year in order to ensure good health. My mother was a firm believer in this ritual and every spring she would mix castor oil in orange juice and, being an obedient child, I would drink it. Sometimes it would require a whipping or two first. A dose of that would also curtail one’s social life for a day or two. That was a terrible concoction but then someone came up with Black Draught. A terrible, vile, bad tasting laxative, but that’s another story.

Getting back to Castiva, I bought some and used it. It is a lot like other muscle and joint ointments creating heat and comfort while soaking in. Someone asked me about the odor. I answered truthfully. It does have an odor much like the other joint and muscle ointments but not as strong. Of course with me that is not a problem as the odor from the Vicks that Dr. Gott has me putting on my toenails for my toenail fungus overpowers it to the point that the Castiva odor is not too noticeable. For you readers that suffer with ringworms, one of Dr. Gott’s readers suggest putting Mennen Brushless shave cream, regular, several times a day for several days on the affected area. I think this would be especially beneficial to the cat lovers. I have developed a new problem however. After rubbing on the Vick, the Castiva and the shave cream I get so slick that I slide out of bed.

You know those little hangy down nose hairs? Dr. Gott advises that we don’t use tweezers to remove them. Use scissors instead. He states that when a hair is plucked, the tiny hole left in the skin can become infected easily. His patient was concerned that a facial infection can spread inward and inflame the brain. I personally was more concerned about the brain leaking out. I find this informative health and life hints so much more interesting than reading about Hillary.

Speaking of odors, I still remember my wife’s disgust with me when she was remarking that the bed sheets needed washing and I bent over, sniffed and told her I didn’t think so as they smelled all right. She was a little picky but she trained me pretty good. Even though she’s gone if someone visits me they will find the toilet seats down (most of the time) and I wash those sheets every two or three weeks whether they smell or not.

Another thing she taught me and I still do is put those little dryer sheets in the dryer when drying clothes. I don’t know why or what they do but I still do because she told me to do so. I have discovered some new uses for those little sweet smelling dryer sheets and I’m going to send them in to Heloise. Take the bed sheets for instance. If they’re picking up a faint odor and you’re not ready to wash them, just scatter a few of those dryer sheets in your bed. I wouldn’t advise using them as a deodorant because they gave me a rash. On the other hand try them. They probably don’t give everyone a rash. The dryer sheets will also sweeten up a pair of old, stinky athletic shoes.

Another useful hint for the people who have diaper-wearing babies is to sweeten those diapers up with dryer sheets. Most diapers say for 15 to 20 pounds. If one wishes to get full benefit of the diaper and it’s not full yet but the odor is becoming overpowering, stick two or three dryer sheets in that diaper.

Heloise says one can avoid having melting ice cubes watering down a drink by making ice from the drink mix you are consuming. Can scotch or gin be frozen?

I’m not going to comment too much about Dear Abby. I just read about this lady that wrote in about having a brother that had 15 children by 8 different women. Man, I certainly don’t have the expertise to give any advice about that and Dear Abby didn’t do too good either.

Robert Lee is a Happy resident and author of “Happy Tales”